the wall

    I kept going to therapy with David for a few weeks. We decided that I needed help with my drinking and drug use. I signed myself up for an outpatient rehab program in my town. The day we decided this was the last of a nine straight days of drinking, random pill, as well as some marijuana and cocaine use. I had two beers in the morning to stop my hangover. I may have had three. It's hard to remember now. Around 11:00AM I had to drive my mother to the doctors office. I just wanted to drink. The two or three beers didn't do it. They did nothing. After eight days of throwing back ten by noon, thirty plus and liquor by nightfall, and then beginning to party, had increased my tolerance to incredible amounts. I slept, or tried to, in the car while my mom was in the doctor.

    I'm driving down a road near my house.It's really hazy out and I can barely see. There's an underpass ahead. I've driven on this road before. I see the wall on the side of the underpass. My arms shift uncontrollably and turn the wheel towards the wall. I can't help it but my foot slowly pushes down on the accelerator. My eyes get a little droopy. Everything becomes even more hazy. I'm going faster. I can't move my arms. Frantic. I'm getting too close. I can't move my fucking arms. I'm going too fast. Why cant I move?! I'm going to hit the wall! I'm yards away. I see too clearly now. Feet from the wall....

        Gasp! I wake up in the passenger seat in the parking lot of my mothers doctors office. I look at the time, I've only been here for a few minutes. I'm gasping for air. I'm freezing. I'm sweating. I try to sleep but I'm too scared. I need to drink. When I get home I immediately go upstairs to bed but i keep waking up every few minutes sweating, freezing, empty. Where am I going?

• Autorensteckbrief von Justin Barnard
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