Harry Schloßmacher
---------------- THE STARTER -------------- (Version 2)
WARNING!!!
This humorous text is not for people without a sense of humor—those who, as they say, have to go down to the basement to laugh.
As the old saying goes:
"LAUGHTER IS HEALTHY!"
In long, serious times of war and crisis, humor is especially important.
With that in mind: enjoy the story and the image that follows...
###################################################################################
WAITING ROOM, MORNING
An overcrowded waiting room. People sit, whisper, nervously glance at the clock.
The atmosphere is so charged you could use it as a power source.
A man with a newspaper whispers:
“I heard he’s really coming today…”
A woman next to him:
“Who? The Pope? The Dalai Lama? The new DHL delivery guy?”
The man:
“No… the Starter.”
The woman almost falls off her chair.
INTERVIEWER
(enters, confused)
“Excuse me… why are you all waiting here in the waiting room?”
ERNST
(beaming like a kid on Christmas Eve)
“We’re waiting for the Starter! Where else would we wait? In the parking garage? In the fridge?”
An elderly man chimes in:
“I’ve been waiting here since yesterday! I only came to have my blood pressure checked, but now I’m staying!”
A teenager shouts:
“I skipped school! For the Starter!”
A grandma:
“I tuned up my walker in case he starts a race!”
A murmur goes through the room.
At first quiet.
Then louder.
Then so hysterical that a man drops his thermos.
WOMEN
“He’s here! He’s heeere!”
THE STARTER’S ENTRANCE
A beam of light.
An epic soundtrack nobody turned on.
A man who looks like a bodybuilder who founded his own religion.
The Starter enters—scantily dressed, overly confident, striking a pose that screams:
“I am the reason gyms exist.”
STARTER
“Just look at me! Am I not the perfect image of a starter?”
The crowd explodes.
Women scream.
Men applaud.
A baby starts clapping, even though it has no idea why.
A man shouts:
“Starter! I want a child from you!”
His wife:
“Me too!”
CAMERA TEAM 1 – DIRECTOR
“Please smile!”
The Starter freezes like a frozen peacock.
STARTER
“Oh, how I’d love to smile… smiling is my life! But… I have a sweet-and-sour secret.”
A collective “Ooooooh!” fills the room.
One man falls off his chair.
Another fans himself.
THE OATH
The Starter raises his arms like a prophet about to trigger the apocalypse.
STARTER
“Swear to me that you won’t tell anyone!”
ALL
“We swear!”
STARTER
“Too cheap! Stand up and repeat after me!”
Everyone stands.
One man jumps up so fast his chair rolls back and hits a woman.
WOMAN
“Ouch! But it’s worth it for the Starter!”
STARTER
“We pledge…”
ALL
“We pledge…”
STARTER
“…the sweet-and-sour secret…”
ALL
“…the sweet-and-sour secret…”
3RD MAN
“This is a difficult birth! Should I call a midwife?”
MIDWIFE
(suddenly stands up)
“I’m already here! I’ve been waiting for 20 minutes!”
STARTER
“…to never, ever reveal it!”
ALL
“To never, ever reveal it!”
One man sits on another’s lap.
MAN 2
“Uh… you’re sitting on me.”
MAN 1
“I’m nervous!”
THE REVELATION
The Starter raises his hands like an opera singer before the final high note.
STARTER
“Alright… my sweet-and-sour secret is:
I left my dentures in the cleaning bath!”
The crowd collapses.
Laughter.
Screaming.
A man shouts: “I knew it!”
A woman faints.
A paramedic runs over—then stops when the Starter poses.
PARAMEDIC
“Sorry, I had to look.”
STARTER
(sobbing)
“I’m actually soooo shy… hard to believe, right?”
OLDER WOMAN
“Yes! You seem like a clueless mama’s boy!”
YOUNG MAN
“I find you rather terrifying.”
STARTER
“Even when I have to express my wishes at a buffet, I tremble!”
OLDER WOMAN 2
“That’s dreadful!”
STARTER
“I’m touched… deeply touched…”
He poses again.
This time with tears.
A man hands him a tissue.
The Starter uses it—and poses with it.
THE CLEANING LADY
The door bursts open.
The cleaning lady storms in like an angry sheriff.
CLEANING LADY
“If I catch the one who didn’t flush just ONCE… just ONCE! There will be trouble!”
Ernst turns pale.
ERNST
“I think I’m allergic to trouble… and to cleaning ladies… and to pressure…”
A man shouts:
“It wasn’t me! I even flushed twice!”
Another:
“I didn’t flush at all! I wasn’t even in the bathroom!”
CLEANING LADY
“Suspicious! Very suspicious!”
THE INTERVIEW
Camera Team 2 pushes forward.
DIRECTOR 2
“Don’t worry, sir. We’ll only show your nose and eyes. Not the teeth.”
STARTER
“Really? I’m touched… deeply touched…”
LIGHTING TECH
(wiping his tears)
“Boss, this guy cries more than my ex.”
INTERVIEWER
“How do you explain your extraordinary starter talent?”
STARTER
“Natural talent! All natural! Whether here, there, at the buffet or in the restroom—pure perfection!”
ERNST
“I… I’m also a natural talent! In… uh… waiting.”
A man shouts:
“I’m a natural talent at sitting!”
A woman:
“At screaming!”
A child:
“At eating cookies!”
SCENE 7 – THE CHASE
5TH MAN
“The cowboy didn’t flush! I saw it!”
A young guy (“The Cowboy”) jumps up.
COWBOY
“Make way! I’ve got to get out of here!”
The cleaning lady charges after him.
CLEANING LADY
“Stop right there, you toilet slacker! You piece of crap—literally!”
A cameraman shouts:
“Zoom in! Zoom in! This is gold!”
A man bets:
“Five euros on the cleaning lady!”
Another:
“Ten on the cowboy! He’s got long legs!”
SCENE 8 – THE FINALE
The Starter turns back to Ernst.
STARTER
“On your marks… get set… GO!”
He fires a flare into the air.
Ernst takes off like an Olympic sprinter who thinks his mother is waiting at the finish line.
STARTER
“False start! False start! Come back immediately or I’ll fire you!”
But Ernst is already gone—chased by women, camera crews, a man with a walker, and a child with cookies.
The Starter strikes one last pose, wipes away a tear, and whispers:
“I love my job…”
A man shouts:
“So do we!”
A woman:
“Starter! Starter! Starter!”
The crowd chants.
The Starter poses.
The cleaning lady screams somewhere in the background:
“I’ve got him! I’ve got the non-flusher!”
Fade out.
Thank you very much for the great praise!! They say there is nothing more difficult than truly making people laugh. All the more it delights me that I succeeded with you. May many others follow your example and laugh out loud as well—then it will be even more fun for me to write humorous things. Have a wonderful day! Best regards, Harry…
Kommentar des Autoren
Alle Rechte an diesem Beitrag liegen beim Autoren. Der Beitrag wurde auf e-Stories.org vom Autor eingeschickt Harry Schloßmacher.
Veröffentlicht auf e-Stories.org am 07.04.2026.
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